Dress King Horoscope Blog

Horoscope Humor

by on Feb.21, 2009, under Horoscope>Western

This humor is from an unknown source. I am posting it here not because I completely agree with it, but because I want you not to take horoscope too seriously. As far as I know, only the statement about my sign is true in my case up until now.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a jerk.

PISCES (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the F.B.I. or the C.I.A. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence.

ARIES (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
You are the pioneer type. You are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 21 – May 20)
You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddam Nazi.

GEMINI (May 21 – June 20)
You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard.

CANCER (June 21 – July 22)
You are sympathetic and understanding to other people’s problems which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won’t be worth a shit. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

LEO (July 23 – Aug 22)
You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting.

VIRGO (Aug 23 – Sept 22)
You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA ( Sept 23 – Oct 22)
You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you’re probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil.

SCORPIO (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
The worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks. You are not worth the time of day.

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance (which is obviously not true).

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25 Comments for this entry

  • Raine

    I’m not going to kill myself.

  • Charitzzie

    LMFAO! This IS true, but funny. XD Haha Im Libra. <3 And YESSSSSSSSH I have a WILD imagination x3

  • temmy

    I was shocked when I was reading these lines but the inventer of this nonsense must be a really stupid person!
    How can I be a nazi? Gemini’s are not bisexual, Sagittarius are no drunks! this website is bullshit! And it is not because you are a cancer that you will finish in prison! Crazy people like the jerk who made this website should go in prison!
    Don’t think that I’m scared, I just tell the truth. Do you like insulting people or what! Next time be carefull with the words you use, don’t expect us to be happy.

  • Meli

    haha Im a taurus sweet! Im a nazi XD no wonder i’ve always liked nazi’s lol (im not racist or anything i just think that they had strong ideals and beliefs) whoever made these good job! they’re funny 😀

  • Riot

    hahaha i’m a libra and yeah i do have a hard time with reality hahaha funny… Leo’s is pretty funny too!!

  • Tonya

    This aint funny! I am not a jerk!!! Screw whoever wrote this!


    Ppl this is funny! Y get so defensive? Bcuz u know it’s true? Lol..
    I’m a SCORPIO & YES I COULD B A BITCH especially as a woman! Ha!

  • heidi

    hahahah im a prick…which is actually true. but not all the time tho. but yeah…..that was some funny shit.

  • Cancer Confict

    ahahaha, this is some good shit. So i’ve never been in prison but i frequently wish for the vacation and a free ride on all the money i’ve paid and not paid to the government.

  • karen

    I’am wondering how many depressed caps read this and
    then actually left their pc and killed themselves.
    I dont find this funny . I find it rather dangerous to those who are weak minded and looking at this site for some inspiration .

  • Jane

    karen, you are right. Thank you for the comment. I have removed that sentence. There have been several Capricorns who killed themselves and kill many others before killing themselves. Earth signs are more likely to be depressed because they expect people to be fair, which is not always the case.

  • taurus teen

    ha ha but we taureans are nice people remember that . taureans are the best

  • Sum1 spesil

    lol. wer scorpios nd toatly trustworthy. its nt dat wer liars its jus dat we tnd 2 xagerate. WER GRLZ SO HW DA FUK R WE SONZ OF BITCHES! WER HUMN 2! We dnt lak ethic eithr we jus mnd our own biznes so we dnt no wat 2 care bout. wer prtty kul 2. my X iz an Aquarius nd ya he iz a jerk so dat 1 iz tru. we rnt da worst of da lot. we end up bein da therapist 4 ppl we dnt evn no. SO WAT DA FUK NW?! LOL! JK! LOL!

  • Aquario Eklypce

    I find this hilarious and it’s not to be taken seriously anyone with common sense should know this.

  • dai

    dear god, I thought people like “sum1 spesil” went extinct a long time ago, after struggling to stay afloat amidst youtube for a while…

  • joe dick

    I hope to GOD, that all these comments are jokes, otherwise there are some really stupid people on the internet ( well i guess that is a fact really) but if anyone takes this seriosuly, they should not be allowed to breed… It is a really funny satircal joke… the author did a really good job.. too bad so many morons cant see that and got offended…


    god help us all

  • Aqua Kay

    This is not really funny Tbh, just interesting.

  • cap

    haha imm a capricorn and i think this is funny like its the harsher views on the zodica sign…haha well im not one of those caps that went to go kill myself. hopefully none did

  • Vanessa

    Lmfao, I love mine!! I’m a Gemini. And like for real people, its a joke. It’s under a thing called “Horoscope Humor” so obviously they’re not being serious. It’s just taking the bad points of your sign and exagerating it a lot!

  • Erin

    Lmfao! I loved that! I didnt read humor before anything and I was reading Leo and Sag and I was like that is mean…. my boyfriends a Sag and Im a leo and I laughed my ass off!

  • trisha ( sagittarius)

    well i think every body have the right to express or say whatever they want, so whatever you say about sagittarius does’nt matter to me cause’ i know who i am and i do not care about what you say werther it is true or false!

  • mimi

    lol most of it is true and im a gemini and im not a bisexual any ways my brother is a sagg and most of my friends are sagg too and they sure do have talent and it funny u said majority of sagg r drunks its true they don’t know how to control themselves when drinking they get soo agressive and wasted.

  • Maria

    …I tloltay IGNORE those “pluto is not a planet” people. They need to alter the definition of a ‘planet’. Also, don’t forget that since Taurus shares with Virgo, another planet is supposed to be discovered.

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